The Top 10 Rejected Campbell's Soup Varieties:

10. Dan Quayle's Harty Potatoe Soop
 9. Exorcist Split Pea Soup
 8. Matzoh Ball, Ham 'n' Hebrew Alphabet Noodles
 7. Wonderbroth!
 6. Manhattan Phlegm Chowder
 5. Hearty Booger Bonanza
 4. Stars 'n' Swastikas
 3. Porn Chowder
 2. Pigeon 'n' Carp flavored Cup-O-Gruel
  ... and the Number 1 Rejected Campbell's Soup Variety:
 1. Chunky Liver with Fava Beans

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  The Top 10 Reasons Americans are Overweight:

 10. Hey, we get 80 channels of great American TV 24 hours a day,
     there's no time to exercise!
  9. "Girl Scout Cookie Dough" gets better tasting every year.
  8. The colossal failure of "Salad King" drive-thru chain.
  7. Doing it just to spite Richard Simmons.
  6. Addition of a diet soda does NOT mean your triple bacon
     cheeseburger/chili fries combo is a healthy meal.
  5. Americans still unconvinced that it's not really butter.
  4. Part of our country's defense strategy:
     Asses too large to be kicked.
  3. Slim Fast shakes taste much better with a scoop of
     Ben & Jerry's in 'em.
  2. One word: Sprinkles
    ... and the Number 1 Reason Americans are Overweight:
  1. "Did somebody say McDonald's?"

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  The Top 10 Least-Used Kitchen Appliances:

 10. Frigiderriere
  9. Doorless Microwave
  8. Electric Combination
     Slicer/Dicer/Dispose-of-the-Body-in-the-River Machine
  7. Glock 9mm Drive-By Salad Shooter
  6. Cat Compactor
  5. Betty Crocker "EZ" Crystal Meth Cooker
  4. Baby's First Microwave
  3. Ronco Ice Cream Steamer
  2. Popeil's Turkey Baster/Home Enema Kit
    ... and the Number 1 Least-Used Kitchen Appliance:
  1. Frozen Squidsickle Maker

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  Our Top Ten Rejected Cookbook Titles:

 10. Getting Even: Hillary's High-Fat Cookbook
  9. Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwiches for Dummies
  8. Bob Vila's Sawdust Cuisine
  7. Granny Clampett's "Yer Throwin' Away the Best Parts!" Entrees
  6. Mud, Sticks, and Leaves: Cooking with a Four Year Old
  5. Cooking with Condiments - An Apartment Dweller's Guide to
     Making Something Out of Nothing
  4. 101 Ways to Wok Your Dog
  3. Everything's Yogurt... Eventually!
  2. Lions and Tigers and Beets, Oh My!
    ... and the Number 1 Rejected Cookbook Title:
  1. Newman's Stone: Cooking for Older Gall Bladders

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  The Top 10 Menu Items at the WWF Theme Restaurant:

 10. Knee-Drop Soup
  9. Pile Driver Chili
  8. RAW! RAW! RAW! Oysters on the half shell
  7. The $4.99 Grand Body Slam Breakfast
  6. The "WCW": A baby green salad with low-cal vinaigrette
     on the side.
  5. Chili Con Carnage
  4. "Definitely Not Fake!" Crab Salad
  3. Hulk Hoagie
  2. Jesse The Vegetable Tempura
    ... and the most popular item at the WWF Theme Restaurant:
  1. Mankind's Ear, lightly sauteed with blood, and served on a
     loaf of WhoopAss bread

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   The Top 10 New Slogans for Fast Food Restaurants:

 10. Hardee's -- Where our identity crisis is the star.
  9. McDonald's -- New cooler coffee!
  8. Starbucks -- Now with 0.9% financing on the new Quad Macchiato.
  7. KFC -- We're NOT a rap group, dammit!
  6. Where's Kanga? Where's Roo? They're charbroiled to satisfy you!
  5. Burger King -- Did somebody say, "Give me the damn Whopper and get
     Pokemon outta my face?"
  4. Jack-In-The-Box -- We put the dot in E.coli.
  3. Popeye's -- Buy your chicken from a real cartoon character, not an
     animated dead guy.
  2. Wendy's -- If Dave doesn't give a rat's ass about his cholesterol,
     why should you?
    ... and the Number 1 New Slogan for Fast Food Restaurants:
  1. Taco Bell -- Working around the clock to invent new ways to combine
     the same 5 ingredients.

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  The Top 10 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizers:

 10. Die Hard Twice-Boiled Lobster
  9. Forrest Gumbo
  8. Jerry Springer Rolls
  7. Demi S'Moores
  6. Martin Short Ribs
  5. The Meat Formerly Known as Loaf
  4. A Fish Called Sushi
  3. Armaghetti
  2. O.J.'s "Real Killer" Chili
    ... and the Number 1 Rejected Planet Hollywood Appetizer:
  1. Arnold's "It'll Be Back" Bean Soup

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  The Top 10 Signs You're A Lousy Cook:

 10. Your family automatically heads for the table every time they
     hear a fire siren
  9. Your kids know what "peas porridge in a pot nine days old"
     tastes like.
  8. Your son goes outside to make mud pies, the rest of the family
     grabs forks and follows him.
  7. Your kids favorite drink is Alka-Seltzer.
  6. You have to buy 25 pounds of dog food twice a week for your toy
     poodle.
  5. Your kids got even with the neighborhood bully by inviting him
     over for dinner.
  4. Your kids got suspended from school for trying to smuggle toxic
     waste in their lunch bags.
  3. Your husband refers to the smoke detector as the oven timer.
  2. No matter what you do to it, the gravy still turns bright purple.
    ... and the Number 1 Sign You're A Lousy Cook:
  1. You burned the house down trying to make jelly.

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   The Top 10 Pickup Lines Used By Chefs:

 10. "Your eyes are like limpid pools of chicken stock."
  9. "I know we've just met, but will you marinade me?"
  8. "Cumin here often?"
  7. "How do you like your eggs? Poached, scrambled, or fertilized?"
  6. "Care to come back to my place and kick it up a notch?"
  5. "Hey, weren't you in my 'Introduction to Melons' class?"
  4. "We've now simmered for the recommended 25 minutes - time to
      come to a full boil!"
  3. "You're twice as sweet as a creme brulee - and less drippy."
  2. "Get the buttah."
    ... and the Number 1 Pickup Line used by Chefs:
  1. "Uh, yeah ... I invented Spaghetti-O's"

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    The Top 10 Signs the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:

 10. Instead of roasting the flesh of infidels, the fires of Hell
     are now just used to roast marshmallows.
  9. Local organic gardens finding unprecedented crop yield when
     planted in a pentagram configuration.
  8. The new line of Satan's Own salad dressings ("All after-tax
     profits go to Hell").
  7. As the apocalypse begins, every Outback Steakhouse is reduced
     to a pile of cinders.
  6. His black shroud is really just an XXXL "Meat is Murder"
     T-shirt turned inside out.
  5. Tofu burritos are in short supply whenever he's in town.
  4. Gardenburger now offers patties in the shape of a
     Christian child.
  3. Has started ordering his disciples to cut back on the goat
     sacrifices in favor of a vegan alternative.
  2. At his restaurant, International House of Tofu (IHOT), it's
    $6.66 for the burrito dinner.
    ... and the #1 Sign the Antichrist is a Vegetarian:
  1. Instead of fishermen, his disciples are lactose intolerant
     acrylic fleece sweater makers.

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   The Top 10 Signs You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:

 10. Your green beans are attempting a split flanking maneuver on
     your clearly surprised mashed potatoes.
  9. Whenever Gallagher appears on TV, your watermelon leaps
     up, grabs the remote and shuts off the set.
  8. It tastes the same, but now the asparagus leaves your
     bathroom smelling April fresh.
  7. You use the leftover chicken as a nightlight for your
     kid's room.
  6. The label says that your buffalo chicken wings are made
     from REAL flying bison.
  5. An apple a day... cures leukemia.
  4. Family of seven, one turkey -- yet everyone gets a drumstick.
  3. Your Ginsu knives are suddenly afraid of the tomatoes.
  2. Chocchini: Looks like zucchini, tastes like a Ding-Dong.
    ... and the #1 Sign You're Eating Genetically Modified Food:
  1. A SWAT team is ordering the Chalupa to drop *you*.

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   The Top 10 Alternative Ways To Order Pizza:

 10. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering.
     Ask the person taking the order to stop doing that.
  9. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to
     say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, (name)."
     Then hang up.
  8. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
  7. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
  6. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this
     conversation."
  5. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if
     they called you.
  4. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer
     you up.
  3. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
  2. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
    ... and the Number 1 Alternative Way To Order Pizza:
  1. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other
     line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

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  The Top 10 Rejected McDonald's New Items:

  10. Salmon McNella
   9. McKitty Sandwich
   8. Chicken McBobbitts
   7. McGristle
   6. Way Too Damn Happy Meal
   5. McShrooms
   4. The Depressed Meal
   3. McMenudo
   2. Filet O'Gefilte Fish
     ... and the #1 Rejected McDonald's New Item:
   1. Rocky Mountain McOysters

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   The Top Ten Signs You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:

   10. Mysterious late-night phone calls: "I can't stop thinking
       about you... and that's a good thing!"
    9. Contents of your curbside recycling tub are stolen,
       reorganized, and replaced.
    8. On her show she makes a gingerbread house that looks exactly
       like your split-level, right down to the fallen-over licorice
       downspout and the stuck half-open graham cracker garage door.
    7. You get a threatening note made up of letters cut out of a
       magazine with pinking shears, and they're all the same size,
       the same font, and precisely lined up in razor-sharp rows.
    6. You find your pet bunny on the stove in an exquisite tarragon,
       rose petal & saffron demi-glace with pecan-crusted hearts of
       palm and a delicate mint-fennel sauce.
    5. The unmistakable aroma of potpourri follows you everywhere -
       even after you leave the bathroom.
    4. You discover that every napkin in the whole house has been
       folded into a swan.
    3. That telltale lemon slice in the dog's water bowl.
    2. You wake up in the hospital with a concussion and endive
       stuffing in every orifice.
      ... and the Number 1 Sign You're Being Stalked by Martha Stewart:
    1. You awaken one morning with a glue gun pointed squarely
       at your temple.

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   The Top 10 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tips:

 10. Leaving half-sucked lollipops out for sweet ants is a quick and
     easy way to add nutritional value to this already popular treat.
  9. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really
     running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you.
  8. A simple turkey baster can also be used to remove those pesky
     beans lodged in your ear canal.
  7. In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice.
  6. Adding a dash of Drano to your liver and onions won't kill the
     taste, but should numb your taste buds enough for you to swallow.
  5. Remember: Steak + Crest does *not* equal "steak tartare."
  4. Forget to pack the grill? No problem -- just spritz some olive
     oil on your engine block and you'll be cooking in no time!
  3. Ground hamster adds a distinct tasty garnish to otherwise dull
     mealtimes... no, it doesn't taste like chicken.
  2. Your screen door can also double as a handy cheese-grater!
   and the #1 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tip:
  1. For a real St. Patrick's day treat, leave the corned beef out on
     the counter for a week beforehand. You not only get the taste of
     corned beef, but it will be a festive shade of holiday green that
     will accent your dinner table just right.

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  A Panda walks into a restaurant and orders the special of the day.
 He eats the food, gets up and shoots the waitress dead. The Hostess
 runs over to the Panda and says, "What did you do that for?"
 The Panda then says,"Look up 'Panda" in the dictionary,
 and you will see..."

 And with that, the Panda walked out of the restaurant.

 The hostess then rushes to a dictionary, looks up 'Panda' and
 reads..."Panda, n., mammal, eats shoots and leaves."

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Signs That You're Drinking Too Much Coffee;

  * Juan Valdez names his donkey after you.
  * You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.
  * You answer the door before people knock.
  * You just completed another sweater and you don't know how to knit.
  * You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.
  * You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet
    away without using the timer.
  * Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
  * You go to AA meetings just for the free coffee.
  * You walk twenty miles on the treadmill before
    realizing it's not plugged in.
  * You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.
  * You go to sleep just so you can wake up and smell the coffee.
  * You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.
  * You ride an exercise bike to work.
  * You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.
  * You use coffee flavored mouthwash.
  * You help your dog chase its tail.

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DIET FOR STRESS: This diet is designed to help you cope with the
 stress that builds up during the day.

 Breakfast:
 1/2 grapefruit
 1 slice whole wheat toast
 8 oz. skim milk
 Lunch:
 4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
 1 cup steamed spinach
 1 cup herb tea
 1 Oreo cookie
 Mid-Afternoon snack:
 The rest of Oreos in the package
 2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
 1 jar hot fudge sauce
 Dinner:
 2 loaves garlic bread
 4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
 1 large sausage, mushroom, and cheese pizza
 3 Snickers bars
 Late Evening Snack:
 Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

 Additional Rules for this Diet:
 1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
 2. When you eat with someone else, calories don't count if you do
    not eat more than they do.
 3. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate,
    brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.
 4. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.
 5. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you
    are in the process of preparing something.
 6. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due
    to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.
 7. Anything consumed from someone else's plate has no calories
    since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and
    will cling to his/her plate.

 REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS DESSERTS.

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Holiday Fruit Cake Recipe

 You will need the following: A cup of water, a cup of sugar, four
 large brown eggs, two cups of dried fruit, a teaspoon of salt, a cup
 of brown sugar, lemon juice, nuts, and a bottle of whiskey.

 Sample the whiskey and check for quality.

 Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again. To be sure it is the
 highest quality, pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. Turn on the
 electric mixer, beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add
 one teaspoon of sugar and beat again.

 Make sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. Turn off the
 mixer. Beat two leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of
 dried fruit. Mix on the tuner. If the fired druit gets stuck in the
 beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.

 Sample the whiskey and check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups
 of salt. Or something. Who cares? Check the whiskey. Now sift the
 lemon uice and strain your nuts. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar of
 something. Whatever you find.

 Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. Don't forget to
 beat off the turner. Throw the bowl out of the window. Check the
 whiskey again and go to bed.

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 Red walks into a store. Curious about a shiny object, she asks,
 "What is that?"
 The store clerk responds, "It's a thermos."
 Red then asks, "What does it do?"
 The clerk says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
 So she buys one.
 The next day, she brings it to work with her. Her boss asks,
 "What is that shiny object?"
 She replies "It's a thermos."
 He asks, "What does it do?"
 She says, "It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold."
 He then asks, "What do you have in there?"
 "Two cups of coffee and a popsicle."

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   An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work
 on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch
 and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef
 one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The
 Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I
 get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."
 The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a
 bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"
   The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and
 cabbage and jumps off the building. The Mexican opens his lunch box and
 sees burritos and jumps off too. The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees
 bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is
 weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage
 I would have never given it to him again!". The Mexican's wife also weeps
 and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize
 he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's
 wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

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   A businessman had arranged an important formal dinner party at
 his home where they were going to serve stuffed whole baked fish
 as the main course. While the guests were eating the appetizer, the
 cook came to the host and whispered "Please come urgently to the
 kitchen." The host went to the kitchen where the cook explained that
 while she was serving the starter, the cat ate a big chunk of the fish
 which they were going to serve. The host said, "Just fill the hole
 with stuffing and turn the other side up, nobody will notice."
 The fish was served and when they were nearly finished eating, the
 host was again called to the kitchen. The cook said, "The cat is dead!"
 The host rushed back to the dinner party and apologized, "Something
 was wrong with the fish and everyone must have their stomachs pumped
 out at the hospital." When they came back everything was still fine
 and the host went to ask the cook, "Where is the cat?"
 "Oh," said the chef, "The cat is still by the road where the
 truck ran it down!"

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  A preacher goes to a nursing home to meet an elderly parishioner. As he
 is sitting there he notices this bowl of peanuts beside her bed and takes
 one. As they talk, he can't help himself and eats one after another.
 By the time they are through talking, the bowl is empty. He says,
 "Ma'am, I'm sorry, but I seem to have eaten all of your peanuts."
 "That's okay," she says. "They would have just sat there. Without my
 teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off and put them back."

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  A waitress is explaining to a guest in the restaurant that the specialty
 of the day is calf tongue in beautiful port wine sauce. The guest shakes
 his head and says, "I don't want anything that comes from an animal's
 mouth, just give me some eggs."

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  A visiting sheik from the Middle East is at a party in Washington.
 The food makes him thirsty and he sends his private aid to collect water
 several times. He demands water for the third time but the aid comes
 back without water. The sheik demands to know why. The aid explained,
 "other guest is sitting on waterhole in bathroom."

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  This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had
 died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years
 mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

  When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their
 mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master
 bath suite and Jacuzzi.

  As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all
 this was going to cost.
 "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

  Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course
 that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges
 everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing
 the great golf courses on earth.

  The old man asked, "What are the green fees?".
 Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

  Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch
 with the cuisines of the world laid out.
  "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
 "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied
 with some exasperation.
  "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old
 man asked timidly.

  Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you
 like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get
 sick. This is Heaven."

  With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his
 hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly.

  Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was
 wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault.
 If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been
 here ten years ago!"

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  Food Spoilage Table

   THE GAG TEST
  Anything that makes you gag is spoiled (except for leftovers
 from what you cooked for yourself last night).

   EGGS
  When something starts pecking its way out of the shell, the
 egg is probably past its prime.

   MEAT
  If opening the refrigerator door causes stray animals from
 a three-block radius to congregate outside your house,
 the meat is spoiled.

   CANNED GOODS
  Any canned goods that have become the size or shape of a
 basketball should be disposed of. Carefully.

   WINE
  It should not taste like salad dressing.

   POTATOES
  Fresh potatoes do not have roots, branches, or dense,
 leafy undergrowth.

   GENERAL RULE OF THUMB:
  Most food cannot be kept longer than the average life span
 of a hamster. Keep a hamster in your refrigerator to gauge this.

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   Instructions for Microsoft's New TV Dinner Product:

 You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to
 accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not
 give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an
 infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
 smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how
 good it is.

 If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven.
 Set the oven using these keystrokes:

                mstv.dinn.//08.5min@50%heat

 Then enter:

    ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.

 If you have a Macintosh microwave oven, insert the dinner and
 press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner.

 If you have a Unix microwave oven, insert the dinner, enter the
 ingredients of the dinner found on the package label, the weight
 of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start.
 The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the dinner
 exactly to your specification.

 Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case
 your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove
 the dinner from the oven and enter:

          ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap

 This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
 microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work,
 contact your oven vendor. The oven itself is obviously on the blink.

 Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger
 than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of
 which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too
 large to fit in your oven, you will need to upgrade your equipment.

 Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the
 chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety,
 call Microsoft Help and they will explain that you really don't want
 another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need. Microsoft
 has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their
 chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family
 size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
 saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.

 Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
 However, that version has yet to be released. Users have
 permission to get thrilled in advance.

 Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the
 freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not
 a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.

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  Early one morning the Mole family awoke and Daddy mole climbed to the
 top of the mole hole and sniffed the air.
 "I smell bacon frying." he said.
 Momma mole crowded in beside him and sniffed the air,
 "I smell eggs cooking." she said.
 Baby mole tried and tried to get to the top but there was no room left
 so he said, "All I can smell is molasses!"

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  The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he
 was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

  "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have
 some information about your wife."

  "Well, tell me!" the man said.

  The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some good news and some
 really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

  Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

  So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but this morning
 we found your wife's body in San Francisco Bay."

  "Oh my god!," said Mr. Wilkens, overcome by emotion. Then,
 remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good
 news?"

  "Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two
 five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."

  "If that's the good news than what's the great news?!", Mr. Wilkens
 demanded.

  The policeman said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

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